Beware Of Becoming A Spiritual Bully
Bullying is much in the news these days and we can all see the harm this does. It makes others feel inferior, not good enough, fearful, and uncomfortable, and even pushing some to suicide. Spiritual bullying is no less dangerous and no less harmful to others.
What is a spiritual bully? How would we define a spiritual bully?
A spiritual bully is someone that browbeats, intimidates, or pushes their spiritual weight around. A spiritual bully is one that feels superior and better than others.
If one knows more or thinks they know more than others in a spiritual sense or have some spiritual responsibility then they have to be careful on how this power is used.
If they make others uncomfortable by being overly critical of what others do or are able to do then one is a spiritual bully. We all have to keep in mind that not all are able to understand or do as much as others.
Jesus showed that even a small contribution given from the heart is valuable in God’s eyes. There is no need to push others. Rather why not become an example for others and let others do things at their own speed. Not all children walk at exactly the same age, some are faster and some or slower, each has their own time and pace.
There is no need to make those that are able to do less or do things at a slower speed feel as if what they do is not good enough. Not all parts of the body are the same and yet all body parts are needed for the health and smooth functioning of the body.
If you want to read biblical examples of spiritual bullies then read Luke 18:9-14 and Matthew chapter 23 and see how Jesus felt about spiritual bullies.
Rather than intimidate or bully others, let us all encourage, help, commend and appreciate what each person is able to do. Each contribution, whether small or large is done to praise of the Almighty God and should be acknowledged and appreciate. Knowledge puffs up but love builds up, so let us work at being amazing displayers of godly love.
Article Written By 1hopefulman
CREDIT: http://1hopefulman.expertscolumn.com/article/beware-becoming-spiritual-bully
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Worship Me Or I Will Torture You Forever!
( Can you connect this message to Spiritual Bullying? )
Worship me or I will torture you forever! Wouldn’t God be saying just that if hell existed? Does it make sense that the Almighty God would give us that choice, which isn't a real choice at all?
Does that sound like the appeal of someone strong, wise and loving or the threat of someone that has nothing going for him? Doesn't it sound more like the threat of a loser and a bully that doesn't have anything else going for him but brute force and threats?
Is that a choice or a threat?
Would not an Almighty God have something more appealing to attract worshipers than threat and torture?
How does one who threatens torture ever expect to be loved? How could He ever expect to be respected? The universe would be ruled by fear rather than love. Do you really think that the God who made childbirth, flowers, and love is like that?
Fear is a poor motivator. Love is a positive force.
I prefer the choice that the God of the Bible gives in Deuteronomy thirty verses nineteen and twenty: life or death. You may notice the warm appeal that we all choose life.
However, if we don’t want to live under his authority and by his laws which all for our good then it is our choice?
After all, life is a gift! It needs to be sustained by air, water and food. However, obedience is also needed so that we don’t spoil life for others.
When God brought a deluge in Noah’s day, all those that did not take action to preserve their lives by getting into the ark, were quickly put to death by the massive downpour of water. No threat of hell and torture there.
God had made a provision for salvation. All that they had to do is get into the ark.
In the case of Adam and Eve, it was the same choice: life or death. Obedience was rewarded by life and disobedience would result in death.
Jesus said that there are two roads, the wide and the narrow. The narrow leads to life and the wide leads to destruction and not to everlasting torture.
I don’t buy the worship or torture thing. The choice is life or death. It was always like that and it will always be like that. Our life, our future, our choice to accept it with appreciation or reject it. God does not threaten us. He invites us. What we will choose: eternal life or etenran death (complete non-existence) is up to us!
credit: http://1hopefulman.expertscolumn.com/article/worship-me-or-i-will-torture-you-forever
SCRIPTURE SUPPORT:
Don’t you judge those who are inside?” So we are to make judgements regarding the behaviors of our brothers and sisters - but not for condemnation as Paul would write that there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus (Romans 8:1) but instead so that “if anyone is overtaken in any wrongdoing, you who are spiritual, restore such a person with a gentle spirit, watching out for yourselves so that you also won’t be tempted.” While Paul may be referring to the temptation to fall into the same sin as that which had been committed by the fallen brother or sister, I think it is more likely that he was referring to the sin that was being perpetrated on the Colossians by those who were seeking to trouble them.
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How to Deal With Spiritual Bullies at Church
You could cut the tension in the room with a knife. The senior pastor invited me into his office during the tail end of a meeting. Immediately I became witness to a confrontation that I should have never seen. With brazen execution, a parishioner pointed her finger at the pastor as she threatened to take her popular non-profit ministry and all the money raised somewhere else if the pastor did not give her what she wanted. Unbeknownst to me, I walked into a bully with my pastor as the victim. The scene was like the back room of a corporate company takeover. This prominent leader in the church clearly was leveraging her status and money to intimidate our pastor. Apparently, this leader’s spiritual good works allowed Machiavellian posturing. She got her way. But, people were hurt in the process. All of this happened unseen, as often is the case in spiritual bullying.
How to Deal With Spiritual Bullies at Church
We all rightfully look to our church community to be a safe place, a retreat into relationships that support, encourage, and challenge us. The family of God comes to worship together and live life together as we work for the mission of the Church—to spread the good news of Jesus and welcome sinners. We find grace, forgiveness, and hope. However, not all of us experience such a utopia. What happens when we are betrayed by the very church people we trust? We become deeply wounded, jaded, and confused. This is true when in any family abuse goes unchecked. Perpetrators in the church hide behind spirituality and can blindside us. Even the pastor at times is victim to this.
How do we deal with these spiritual bullies? I have identified four bullies and their tactics with counterpunch strategies to protect yourself and the church. These predators are not monolithically evil. This is what makes it such a difficult issue. These brothers or sisters in Christ are bent on bad behavior that often is done in their minds for “good” reasons.
1. The Spiritualizer.
“Hey, I remember you saying you were available to serve every other week on our hospitality team. Would not taking a break be against your call and commitment? After all, this is God’s work.” The Spiritualizer will use spiritual language to convince you to do what they want since your issue is not spiritual. They define for you what to be guilty about rather than empower you to decide that for yourself.
Counterpunch: Trust your own conscience and reasoning.
2. The Score Keeper.
“I’m your friend and pastor and have prayed with you through your sins and triumphs. Now, its time for you to help me out. Please sign up for another year. And, can you come mow my lawn, too?” Sometimes this bully will be super nice to you, only to cash in. You win chips, but they are not yours to keep! He or she keeps score.
Counterpunch: Do the opposite. Love with no strings attached. Keeping score gives a clue that the agenda is not entirely honorable. Take note of that.
3. The Intimidator.
“Oh, don’t you think it will look bad if you leave the choir while your marriage is going through a tough time? Doesn’t this show a lack of faith? I’m not sure we can be friends if you quit.” The Intimidator counts on you backing off and feeling terrible in order to serve their needs. While the Spiritualizer simply implies this through language, the Intimidator goes on the attack, reminding you of what you will lose if you don’t decide their way!
Counterpunch: Lovingly give yourself boundaries and distance to these guys! However hurtful and sad, some people just have to be kept at a distance.
4. The Patronizer.
“Of course you think God is telling you to move, but are you sure you can hear his voice? How do you know it is God speaking to you?” The Patronizer dethrones your sense of confidence in order to instill in them the right to be the gatekeeper for God’s voice. To put you into self-doubt is to keep you off your game and open you to their devices. This is very dangerous if not checked!
Counterpunch: You need brothers and sisters, not parents! Be an adult and seek advice that empowers you not destabilizes your ability to reason.
The primary strategy for dealing with bullies is not to play their game. If you pile shame on the Spiritualizer you become a bully yourself. The church does not need more bullies, right? However, unhealthy people need to be identified and sometimes mitigated for the sake of the family. They do not stop being your family, they just are not allowed into your leadership or given trust with the vulnerable.
What other strategies are there for dealing with spiritual bullies? Please share your experiences.
CREDIT: https://www.sharefaith.com/blog/2015/09/deal-spiritual-bullies-church/
CREDIT: https://www.sharefaith.com/blog/2015/09/deal-spiritual-bullies-church/
8 Signs You Are a Discipleship Bully
Spiritual Bullying
As Eric Johnson approached my 5th grade lunch table I knew very clearly what he was coming for. In fact I had gotten so used to him taking my milk money that I knew not to even dare buy milk for lunch. Back in the 80’s the term bullying had not come into play like we know that word today. Since then, Eric and I have grown up and moved on with life, more or less forgetting about what took place at Pineloch Elementary. Nevertheless, bullying is alive & well. It even happens in the church. As I look back at my years in church life, I have seen several people who have been what I would call ‘spiritually bullied’. You may ask ‘what does that look like in the modern day church’, and ‘what are some signs we should look for?’
The same way Eric did in my elementary school cafeteria, most bullies look for people who are vulnerable and somewhat different. As a 5th grader who struggled with learning disabilities & speech issues, I looked very different to others. In fact, I sat with a small group of students who weren’t mainstreamed with the other students. My crew was an easy target for Eric. Although there are lots of great churches in America, spiritual bullying is happening too often in many of them. In todays modern church there isn’t a lot of room for people who look different. What tends to happen to these people who look, speak or present them selves differently is that they’re pointed out & marginalized. You may ask, ‘what evidence do you have of this?’ Take the youth for instance. Many of our churches are having a very hard time attracting young adults. I think if you were to ask many young adults ‘why they don’t attend church’ the common response is usually that they find us judgmental and dogmatic in our approach to win them. We can even see spiritual bullying in how we treat our pastors. It is widely known that 1500 pastors walk away from ministry annually. Although there are lots of reasons why pastors may be asked to leave or resign their positions, its usually based on their personality preference. We all know that once a group of people in a particular church starts pointing out character flaws (which we all have) it doesn’t take long for the leader to be bullied out of their role.
Yes, even Jesus was spiritually bullied. For example, take a look at any new testament scripture that attaches the name of Jesus and Pharisees together and it won’t take you long to figure out that they not only disliked Jesus personally, but they also attached scripture to their reasoning for not liking him. What tends to happen in spiritual bullying circles is scripture is used to justify the bullying. Many believers who take the Bible literally find it very convenient to use scripture to justify their bullying behavior. Although I believe in the inerrancy of scripture, the Bible’s purpose is not for saints to bully someone to believe in the way that we think. In fact, Jesus was very understanding even with his disciples in helping them along the way to believing.
After we have identified and attached our Biblical interpretation to what’s wrong with the person, we label them. There are tons of examples of Christians that have been labeled with names other than Christ follower. I was personally disappointed recently when I learned of an influential leader who had a slip of the tongue. Nevertheless, she was labeled as a heretic. I don’t know about you but there have been several times that I have slipped in saying something. I am so thankful that no one had a camera phone out to record it. In modern day times it has become a lot easier to spiritual bully someone behind our smart phones & various technological devices.
Finally, after we spiritually bully someone, it doesn’t take to long for us to modern day crucify them. This is done way to often to separate ourselves from people that Christ has called for us to love. As Christ followers we need to be careful in crucifying someone. Remember, the ‘cross’ has already been vacated by the one who forgives and heals all sin and short comings. We should all remember James 3:10 “10 Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers and sisters, this should not be.
Maina Mwaura
LINK: http://mainaspeaks.com/spiritual-bullying/
10 Signs Your Church Is Bullying You
LINDSEY BRADY
Take a moment to think about the most classic bully. Maybe Johnny from The Karate Kid comes to mind, or Biff from Back to the Future. Personally, I think of the Plastics from Mean Girls.
These are the characters we love to hate. They make you want to stand up and scream, "You can't do that!" at your TV.
As we all know, however, bullies aren't something reserved only for the big screen. There's a high chance you've experienced bullying firsthand during middle or high school. Heck—maybe you were even the bully.
But sadly, bullying doesn't end when you receive your diploma. It can show up in your adult life, and in places you'd never expect—at work, the gym, or even church. And while I wouldn't claim that our churches have a bullying epidemic on their hands, any amount of bullying is too much. The church is intended to be welcoming to all.
So, I've gathered ten of the most common forms of church-bullying. Let's read through these, seriously evaluate our churches, and commit to raising the bar on the way we treat one another.
1. Passing the Blame
Slide 1 of 10
Passing the blame becomes a tempting escape for when things don't go as planned.
The church goes over budget because expenses weren't tracked as they should have been? Blame the congregation for not tithing enough. No one shows up to an event whose details were poorly communicated? Blame it on laziness. Women's ministry attendance has been steadily declining for years because they're only given curriculum from that 1970s? Blame it on the lead volunteer for not doing enough.
If you find yourself on the receiving end of this blame, I suggest first talking to the accusing party. There's a chance that it's all a miscommunication. Explain your point of view. If they continue to pile on the blame, consider bringing in a third party to help facilitate discussion. That doesn't work? You can brush it off and move forward. If it's too big of an issue or becomes a reoccurring problem, consider talking to elders, stepping out of the role (if possible), or even searching for a new church.
2. Withholding Information
Slide 2 of 10
Now, don't misunderstand—church leaders deal with a lot. And many times, withholding information isn't bullying; for instance, it isn't wrong if the entire congregation isn't privy to know who's coming in for counseling and why.
It becomes bullying is when a person is purposefully withholding information or supplying false information to deceive. This might include telling multiple lies, concealing the truth, lying to get one's way, or creating a false sense of hope with no intention of following up.
For example, a pastor creates the hope of replacing outdated carpeting and furniture to encourage more generous giving. He, however, doesn't want to replace the carpeting; he just wants to increase giving to the general fund or even a pay-raise.
Lies seem extreme when we're talking finances, so here's a milder example. Imagine the moms group wants to host a craft fair, but leadership isn't a huge fan of that event. They don't want to veto the idea outright because it's not the popular opinion; instead, they lie and say that the church calendar is full and therefore the event just can't happen this year. This manipulation is bullying.
3. Criticism
Slide 3 of 10
Raise your hand if you've ever felt personally victimized by Regina George—err—I mean, your church.
Ask this question, and more people than you expect might be raising their hands: the teenage single mom who wants to dedicate her baby, only to receive a poignant lecture from leadership about how bad her sins are. The recently clean drug user who can't find a small group to accept him. The ex-con who can't seem to shake the label even though he's been out of jail for decades.
The church is a group of flawed people who would be in deep water without the saving grace of Jesus. And honestly, these flaws can include being judgmental. What it all boils down to is being welcoming to all, discerning of position (example: running background checks for children's ministry volunteers), and willing to place criticism aside.
4. Threats and Aggression
Slide 4 of 10
While this is a not-so-subtle tactic of bullying, it can be one of the hardest to escape.
When a person feels threatened, notably by a person of leadership, they instantly feel trapped. Even an outspoken individual can find it difficult to react when they're caught off guard, and the aggressor finds validation in his or her behavior.
Now, I know this seems super intense, but we're not always talking about mafia-style threats here. It could be something as simple as a Children's Ministry director telling his volunteers that if they don't volunteer during the Christmas services, then they aren't invited to the end of year volunteer celebration.
While it's difficult, the best thing you can do is stand up for yourself and bring a trusted friend in on any conversations with your aggressor.
5. Shame and Guilt
Slide 5 of 10
In my experience, this is the most common type of bullying within a church.
But before we go one step forward, I want to clear one thing up: there's a vast difference between the Holy Spirit convicting someone to repent and a pastor (or another church member) heaping shame and guilt on someone. The former is an essential part of our journey as Christians, and the latter can be a huge roadblock.
While a good preacher will be able to teach the truth with grace, it's essential to be able to personally discern if a message is filled with shame or guilt. If it leaves you feeling closer to God, seeking a deeper relationship with Jesus, or encouraged that you can grow, then it's a good sermon. If it leaves you feeling worthless, embarrassed to talk with God, or weighed down to the point of inaction, it's time to reevaluate the teaching.
Remember what Paul wrote in Romans 8:1—"Therefore there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus."
6. Turning People Against One Another
Slide 6 of 10
A church should never, ever be trying to set two groups of people against one another. I mean, why would it even want to? But alas, it happens on two different levels.
First, a person can be turned against another person. For instance, a pastor pulls aside a small group leader and says, "I heard that Jeffrey has a problem with the way you run Bible Study." While gossip is nearly inevitable, perpetuating it is juvenile. Instead of pitting two people against one another, step up and mediate the problem.
It's even more toxic when the church turns one group against another. Like when they tell Celebration Recovery, "Sorry. We can't give any money to your ministry because we've decided to increase our budget for the church food pantry." While the church elders have the right to decide things like the budget, they don't need to seem like they are playing favorites.
Just remember: when in doubt, don't call people out.
7. Minimization
Slide 7 of 10
Minimization happens when a person brings forth legitimate concerns only to have them minimized, blown off, or wholly discounted.
This can become a huge problem in churches when you have a leadership staff that would rather sweep things under the rug than deal with them head-on.
On one end of the spectrum, this could be something like a worship pastor wanting to change the format of worship and the head pastor not taking the time to listen to his proposal. On the other end, this could be something as serious as minimizing a parent's concern of inappropriate interactions between a volunteer and their child.
As a rule of thumb, if the issue at hand is a concern to a person in your church, it needs to be listened to and addressed.
8. Exclusion
Slide 8 of 10
This one makes my heart ache so badly. The church is supposed to be a place where everyone feels welcome, included, and a part of something bigger than themselves.
But time and time again I've heard the story of people being purposefully excluded from church activities and made to feel unwelcome because of one reason or another. For instance, how many times have you heard of a family who has deep roots in a church, being just short of excommunicated because their son admits his homosexual feelings? What about the family with a pregnant teenage daughter? Or the couple going through a divorce?
We've all heard the stories. Now let's take a stand from excluding the lost, hurting and the people who are feeling broken. Let's surround them with kindness and compassion to better show Jesus' love.
9. Flattery
Slide 9 of 10
While flattery is a way more enjoyable form of bullying, it's still manipulation.
"But what's so bad about a compliment?"
Honestly, nothing! I mean, who doesn't love to hear great things about what they're doing? But it gets tricky when a person is intentionally using compliments to sway someone into doing something they don't want to do.
For instance, imagine a youth ministry volunteer who's expressed concern about having too much on her plate. She tells the youth pastor that she needs to drop down from volunteering twice a week to only once. The youth pastor, not wanting to lose a volunteer, asks her, "Are you sure? You're our number one volunteer and the most amazing asset to the team. I mean, no one can do this job as well as you. You're just too valuable."
While these compliments are pleasant, it puts the volunteer in an awkward situation. Now, she feels incredibly pressured to stay working a schedule she can no longer sustain.
Remember: bullying can even be cloaked in kindness.
10. Intimidation
Slide 10 of 10
Intimidation is a commonly used tactic to prevent someone from acting in a way the bully doesn't want.
I have actually experienced intimidation firsthand. One day, I attended an earlier service than usual and took a seat. Shortly before worship began, a senior woman approached me and asked if anyone was sitting next to me. I politely told her it was available. She leaned in close to my ear and whispered, "Good. I'm going to need you to move because my husband and I are going to sit in these two seats."
I hesitated as I processed what she said. She leaned back down again and whispered, "And you're not going to tell anyone I told you to move or else." OR ELSE?! Are you kidding me?
I was livid. I wanted to react, but I didn't want to be disrespectful. So instead, I succumbed to the woman's intimidation. And you know what? I left church feeling like I didn't want to come back.
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